Breaking: Local Hospital Discovers Revolutionary Concept Called 'Price Tags'

Healthcare industry stunned by ancient retail practice of displaying prices before purchase

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a real legislative development that sounds like satire, Senators Roger Marshall (R-KS) and John Hickenlooper (D-CO) have introduced the Patients Deserve Price Tags Act. Yes, this real bill (S. 2355) requires hospitals, insurance companies, labs, imaging centers, and surgery centers to disclose actual prices to patients before treatment.

The bipartisan legislation (S. 2355) proposes the mind-bending idea that healthcare should work like every other industry. Healthcare executives across the nation reportedly fainted upon hearing this news.

"This is unprecedented," said one anonymous administrator, clutching their pearls. "Next you'll tell us we need to itemize bills and explain what we're charging for. Where does it end?"

Revolutionary Features Include:

Actual dollar amounts instead of "surprise pricing": Hospitals and insurers will be required to post real prices, not the traditional bait-and-switch pricing model of “eff around and find out.”

‍Machine-readable price files: Because apparently making pricing information impossible to find was not actually a feature, but a bug. 🤷‍♀️‍

Advanced explanation of benefits: Patients will receive a preview of what they'll owe before treatment, rather than the current system of financial Russian roulette. Going forward, patients will have to find other ways to increase their blood pressure.  ‍

Cash price guarantees: If hospitals post a cash price, they must actually honor it. Revolutionary stuff.

Industry Reactions Pour In

The announcement sent shockwaves through healthcare's shadowy pricing underground. Sources report that several hospital billing departments have entered witness protection, and at least three insurance companies have changed their names and moved to non-extradition countries.

"We've operated successfully for decades without anyone knowing what anything costs," lamented a healthcare pricing consultant who wished to remain anonymous. "This transparency nonsense threatens our entire business model of creative billing and interpretive mathematics."

What This Means for Real People

For Patients: Welcome to the 21st century. You'll finally join every other consumer in America by knowing prices before you buy. Imagine it: shopping for healthcare like you shop for literally everything else in your life.

For Healthcare Providers: Flaunt it if you got it. The wild west of healthcare pricing is ending. It’s been fun, but not that fun. Providers will get to compete on value rather than whatever the heck is going on right now. If you offer competitive pricing, now you can showcase it.

For Self-Funded Employers and Advisors: Bring on the negotiations. Bad faith TPAs and PBMs can no longer hide behind "proprietary information" excuses when you ask where your money goes. Complete claims data access means you can finally make informed decisions and control costs.

The $10 Million Wakeup Call

The actual legislation includes fines up to $10 million for non-compliance. This real bill isn't a polite suggestion: healthcare organizations have until January 1, 2026, to join the rest of the economy in displaying prices.

The Patients Deserve Price Tags Act represents a seismic shift in healthcare experience. This radical transparency might even lead to – brace yourself – market competition and lower prices. In the immortal words of Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park, “Hold on to your butts!”

Healthcare is the only industry where consumers make binding financial commitments without knowing the cost. This bill asks the revolutionary question: What if patients could shop around like informed consumers?

The Bottom Line

Healthcare transparency isn't just about policy wonks and regulatory compliance. It's about treating patients like adults who deserve to make informed financial decisions about their own care.

The Patients Deserve Price Tags Act won't solve every healthcare problem overnight. But it will end the absurd guessing game where Americans commit to unknown expenses for essential services.